


gorse

by verkwanchan



Series: the world needs more verkwan angst [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki AU, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Language of Flowers, M/M, Mentions of Blood, blink and youll miss it wonhui and jihan, lapslock, one-sided verkwan, photographer hansol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 08:11:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11985756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verkwanchan/pseuds/verkwanchan
Summary: gorseɡôrs/noun1. a yellow-flowered shrub of the pea family, the leaves of which are modified to form spines, native to western Europe and North Africa.2. symbolizes love in all seasons





	gorse

**Author's Note:**

> i was sad and well, yeah. this is what came out of that,,,,, also this has never been edited, so theres that. enjoy i guess !

click.

click.

click.

seoul during spring is always so beautiful. cherry blossoms were in full bloom, the sky was a pretty shade of blue, and clouds framed the entire scene. spring is his favorite season, he thinks.

"ya, chwe hansol! stop taking photos, and start listening to me! aish, you're always so distracted," seungkwan said, snapping him out of his reverie. he lowers his camera.

"sorry, what were you saying again?" seungkwan let out a sigh at this. he can almost hear seungkwan's thoughts complaining about how bad of a listener he is. he stifles a laugh.

"you're helpless, you know?" seungkwan rolls his eyes at him. "as i was saying, i met a guy," seungkwan said, a huge smile on his face.

"ahh. so, this is what this is about," he smiles teasingly, "who is crush of the week this time, kwannie?" seungkwan hits him in the arm lightly, but it's true. seungkwan does have a habit of falling for strangers on a weekly basis.

"i actually hate you, you know that? but for your information, his name is choi seungcheol. i think he's the one, for real this time," seungkwan smiles, almost dreamlike. hansol laughs.

"didn't you say that about junhui-hyung, too?" he asked, causing seungkwan to hit him again.

"i didn't know he was dating wonwoo-hyung! stop teasing me, you're the worst best friend ever," seungkwan complains, pouting.

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry. come on, i'll buy you lunch," he offers, trying to appease him. seungkwan pouts even more.

"you think you can buy my forgiveness with food?" hansol raises his eyebrow. "okay, fine. you're right, let's go to my favorite samgyeopsal place," seungkwan smiles at him, and holds his hand. warmth spreads through his chest, and he closes his eyes. _if only feelings could be photographed_.

  
spring has given way to summer, which means all the cherry blossoms are gone, replaced with bright green leaves and clear blue skies. hansol thinks that it's just as beautiful.

he was going through the photos he took that day when his phone started ringing, diverting his attention.

"hansolie! oh my god, hansol, you'll never guess what happened," seungkwan exclaims happily over the phone.

"cheolie-hyung asked me if i wanted to watch a movie with him this friday," seungkwan's excitement was palpable even through the phone. hansol feels a sudden tightness in his throat, almost like there's a vine curling around it. he swallows, willing it to go away.

"really? that's great," he forces himself to sound nonchalant. he knows that they've been hanging out for a few weeks now. their friends, jisoo and his boyfriend jeonghan, happened to be close to seungcheol, and they introduced him to seungkwan and hansol. they've all hung out together before. hansol hasn't been going lately because he's been busy, but seungkwan has gotten quite close with seungcheol. _'seungcheol-hyung could just be asking seungkwan to watch a movie as friends, right?'_ he repeats to himself, like a mantra, as if that would make him believe it, as if that would make him feel better.

"i really like him, sollie," he hears seungkwan's voice soften, and his throat tightens even more.

"i'm really happy for you, kwan, but i have to finish a few things. can we talk later?" he said, struggling to keep his voice steady.

"sure! i'll call you later," he said goodbye, and proceeded to hang up the phone.

hansol feels an itch at back of his throat, and soon enough, he was overcame by a coughing fit. he runs to the bathroom, bending over the sink, feeling tears prick his eyes because of all the coughing. once it subsided, he opens his eyes to see a single yellow hyacinth, placed delicately on the sink.

  
red and gold leaves litter the sidewalks, and the air has started to become colder.

autumn has arrived, and yet spring flowers continue to bloom on the walls of his lungs.

hanahaki disease, that's what it was. an illness where the patient throws up and coughs up flowers when they suffer from intense emotion that is unresolved, most commonly unrequited love.

if goes untreated, it can suffocate you as it continues to fill your lungs. to cure it, you will have to resolve the cause of the intense emotion. in the case of unrequited love, you'll either have to stop loving the person, or have your love returned. if all else fails, then there's surgery, ridding you of feeling whatever caused the hanahaki disease ever again.

if what caused the disease was love, then you'll never be able to love, never again.

as if loving alone wasn't painful enough, the universe decided that it should be able to literally kill you as well. what a fucking joke.

seungkwan. seungkwan was happy with seungcheol. and he's happy for them, he swears he is. he's glad that his best friend has finally found love.

he just wished that he would've found it with him.

he's trying so hard, goddamn it. to force a smile whenever seungkwan talks about seungcheol, to be supportive of their relationship. to be okay with the fact that seungcheol makes seungkwan happier than he ever could.

because seungkwan deserves that from him. because seungcheol is a much better man than he is, and he knows he'll treat seungkwan the way he deserves to be treated.

he was a coward, he knows he shouldn't be sulking like this, because it was his fault. he has loved seungkwan for a long time, and yet the flowers only appeared recently. that can only mean that once upon a time, seungkwan loved him too. but not anymore. not the way he needed him to. because he was a coward, and because he waited too long. he truly deserved a better man than him.

he knows that, but that doesn't mean it's not painful. that doesn't make him feel better. because despite him knowing all that, he couldn't help but think every time he sees them together that maybe, that could've been him. he looks at the photos he took of them, and he thinks, that could've been him kissing his forehead, making him laugh, holding his hands. if only he told seungkwan what he felt. if only he was brave enough.

_if only._

his regret is present in the rue petals that bleed on his wooden floor, sadness in the citrons that are scattered all over the room.

if he thinks about it, citron does fit the scene really well, for it is not only the flower of sadness, but also of ill-fated beauty. looking at all the blossoms that linger on every surface of the place, that's what it truly is. for despite all its tragedy, it is undeniably beautiful.

behold, his ruination.

  
all the trees are bare, snow covering their branches, and the frost crept in his windowpane and deep within his bones.

it is winter. the world is dying, and so is he.

he hasn't come out of his apartment, not since the winter started. it's become infinitely harder to breathe, and his knees are too weak to walk half of the time.

seungkwan called him once, concerned, because he hasn't seen him in a while. he lied and said he has pneumonia, and that he can't come visit because it's contagious.

he can't let seungkwan see him like this, he can't ever know. knowing seungkwan, he'll blame himself for what happened. he'll beat himself up, and hansol just doesn't want that to happen.

seungkwan is happier than ever with seungcheol. he doesn't want to come between that.

he'd rather suffer alone than see seungkwan get hurt. he'd take this secret to the grave, if that's what he had to do.

seeing as he can't even breathe properly for five seconds without coughing up blood or flowers, that's beginning to sound more and more likely.

his body, made thin and frail by the disease, has become more susceptible to cold. so, he was bundled up in his blankets, when he heard the sound of someone knocking.

"hyung! let me in, i brought food," chan called out from outside the door. hansol took a deep breath, and tried to gather up enough strength to walk to the door.

he opened the door and saw chan's bright smile that immediately faded once he saw how hansol looked like.

"hyung, you look like shit! god, you're so thin. what happened to you?" chan asks, worry etched on his features. this is why he didn't want anyone to see him. he sighed.

"don't worry about me, chan-ah. i'm okay," he tries to say weakly, before he is once again reduced to a coughing fit.

"no, you're not," he says, glaring at hansol. "what is that? is that a flower?" he pauses to glance around the room, "why are there flowers everywhere, hyung?"

hansol sighs once again. he knew that someone would figure it out at some point, but he didn't want it to be chan. he didn't want to burden him like that, but it's too late for that now.

"hyung," chan starts out, hesitant, "who is it?" chan says carefully, almost as if he was afraid that hansol would break with his words.

of course chan figured it out. he's currently in med school, and smarter than all of them. of course he would.

"hyung, is it—is it seungkwan-hyung?" chan winces right after he asks, like he's waiting for something bad to happen. hansol just nods.

"have you told him yet?" he shakes his head. why did he need to ask that? of course he wouldn't. he can't. _he can't._

"if you won't tell him, then you have to get surgery," chan says, and hansol finally finds the voice to speak.

"i can't, i can't do that. chan, you know i can't," hansol says, his voice weak but determined.

"why the _fuck_ not, hyung?" chan asks, his voice starting to raise.

"you know what will happen if i do! and i just can't have that, i can't, _i can't_ ," he says, before coughing once again.

"don't be an idiot, hyung! look at you, you're dying! it's better to not be able to love than to not be able to live, what will seungkwan-hyung think?" chan shouts at him angrily. he's right, he's being stupid, but he _just doesn't understand_. to live without being able to love again, how is that living?

"seungkwan will not know about this," he says sternly. he doesn't care what happens, as long seungkwan never knows.

"hyung, please," chan says pleadingly, as tears begin to well up in his eyes, "i don't want you to die."

"chan-ah, please stop worrying about me," he says, in an attempt to be reassuring, "i'll think about it. i just need to be alone right now."

"hyung, please reconsider," he says as he walks out the door.

chan bids him goodbye, and walks out the door. he's left alone with his thoughts again, and the silence is deafening.

he became a photographer because he wanted everyone to see how pretty the world can be. sitting on the floor, knees too weak to hold his weight, surrounded by flowers tainted with blood, he thinks that this is just perfect. he dedicated his life to capturing beauty, it was so poetic that his downfall would be something so lovely, too.

he coughs up another petal, this one vibrant blue in color. he couldn't help but think about how good the red of his blood contrasts against the blue.

 _'seungkwan is happy,'_ he thinks, _'seungkwan is happy, even without me.'_

he coughs, and sees a wilted gladiolus in his hand. gladiolus is for never giving up, but he's surrendering. maybe that's why it's wilted.

it's so hard to breathe and all he wants to do now is... rest. just let everything go.

he feels his breaths becoming shallower, and his head becoming lighter.

he coughs once more, and sees that it's an azalea. he smiles.

'take care of yourself for me, kwannie,' he thinks, finally at peace.

he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and lets go.

**Author's Note:**

> hello how was that for u??  
> anyways!  
> azalea means 'take care'  
> and hansol knows all this flower meaning shit bc he studied it when he found out he has hanahaki yeah
> 
> i think that ending couldve gone three different ways and all of them are sad so here are they:  
> 1 hansol dies before the person gets to him and seungkwan founds out that hes the reason nd he carries the guilt forever  
> 2 hansol dies but seungkwan never finds out why  
> 3 hansol lives but the rest of his life feels empty bc hes unable to love
> 
> i feel too lazy to write how those will play out but maybe i will if i got the motivation to do so,,, anyways!! leave me ur thoughts they are always appreciated


End file.
